Dear First-Time Adoptive Mom,

Dear First-Time Adoptive Mother,

Congratulations!!!  You are a MOM!

All the years of hoping and dreaming have finally become a reality.  You are holding the baby of your dreams in your arms.  Your empty, aching arms are now full…and still aching, but for a much more pleasant reason :) 

You are met with smiles everywhere you go.  Who doesn’t love the sight of a tiny human snuggled in a stroller?

Even doing laundry is a little more fun now.  Isn’t it great to pull those tiny little clothes from the warm dryer, fold, and put them away in the cute nursery?

Amidst the joy and excitement, you may be feeling other things as well…feelings that you didn’t expect:

Exhaustion

Anxiety

Overwhelm

Sadness

In all the time you spent hoping for a baby, you may not have given much thought to the reality of life after a baby.  You didn’t think about the sleep deprivation, the backaches, and the feelings of inadequacy.  All you could think about was the cuteness of baby clothes, the joy of baby giggles, and the satisfaction that motherhood brings.

You may be thinking: “What is wrong with me?  I have wanted this all my life.  I have been desperately trying everything in my power to bring a child into our family.  Why am I feeling bad?  Shouldn’t I feel ecstatic all the time?”

You know what?  It’s ok.  I am here to tell you that YOU ARE NORMAL!  Of course you are exhausted!  You are now responsible for another human being.  Of course you are overwhelmed!  Your life has been turned upside down.  And quite possibly, you did not have the typical 9 months to prepare for this huge change.  Adoption is such an emotional experience!

And sadness.  You may feel sad for the birth mom who carried your child in her belly for 9 months.  You wonder how she is doing.  How must she feel after placing her baby in your arms? 

I grieved for the birth mom because I could not imagine how difficult it must have been for her to choose adoption.  I felt guilty (false guilt) sometimes because I was so happy.  I felt like I was depriving her of the joy that this child was bringing me. 

It will take time to process everything.  Give yourself time.  Give yourself permission to feel the vast array of emotions that are flooding your heart.  You will not always feel tired and overwhelmed.  Pray for the birth mom when she comes to your mind.  You have a unique opportunity to be a part of what God wants to do in this woman’s life.  Pray daily for the strength to get through the sleep deprivation and backaches.  God will give you everything that you need. 

He is faithful!

Alyssa

1. Ask, "What can I do for you?"  Infertility is an emotional roller coaster.  One moment, you can feel happy and light-hearted and the next down in the depths of despair.  It is filled with moments of sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, anxiety, hope, and peace.  Many times, I didn’t even understand what I was feeling!  Instead of trying to guess what your friend may need, ask them!  Ask how you can pray for them.  Asking will give your friend an opportunity to identify her needs and make them known.  It is much more comfortable to tell someone what you need after they have already asked! 

2. Wish her a Happy Mother’s Day  Wait...what?!  Yes, you read that correctly. This one is definitely counter-intuitive.  I never would have come up with it on my own.  I will never forget when my friend wrote to me, “Happy Mother’s Day, to a woman with a mother’s heart.”  My heart swelled.  I felt loved, recognized, and included.  Mother’s Day is one of the most difficult days of the year for those longing for a child.  No matter how brave I tried to be, I would inevitably end up crying in the bathroom at church.  My friend made that particular Mother’s Day just a bit easier to bear.

3. Remind her that God is on her side:  One of my relatives whom I hadn’t seen in awhile encouraged me with this thought.  The truth of this statement hit me hard.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was feeling like God was against me!  With every month that passed, every failed treatment and adoption attempt, I was feeling like God was not working for my good.  It was a powerful reminder for me to hear that God was with me.

“The Lord is for me.  I will not be afraid.”

Psalm 118:6

4.  Offer to take her out:  Shopping, movies, pedicure, ice cream, coffee, a walk..anything fun to help her relax and take her mind off of things!

5. Write a note: A text, e-mail, or card.  A simple “I love you and am thinking about you” goes a long way.  I highly recommend a comforting verse from the Psalms.  God promises that His Word will never return void.

“so My word that comes from My mouth will not return to Me empty, but it will accomplish what I please and will prosper in what I send it to do." 

Isaiah 55:11