"We make our plans, BUT GOD..."

We had every reason to give up.  The average wait time for a domestic adoption was 1 year.  It had been almost 3 years.  I watched all the other prospective adoptive couples on the agency website disappear as they brought their children home.   In my rough estimation, we were passed over by about 75 birth families. We waited only 3 weeks to be chosen by our first child's birth mother.  We had no reason to think that it wouldn't happen again.  Our adoption workers could offer no explanation .  

In November 2011 when our firstborn was only 15 months old, I was worshipping with our church family.  I distinctly remember God impressing upon my heart, "Do not be afraid to start the adoption process again."  It seemed early.  Our son was so young, but we decided to go for it.  

As months turned into years, I began to question God's leading on that Sunday.  Why would He lead us to adoption again if the process was only going to result in heartache and tears?  What was God doing here?

In 2014, I began to look into international adoption.  Up until that spring, I didn't even know that it was an option for us.  Back in 2006 when we first started looking at adoption, we were told that we were ineligible for international adoption due to medical concerns.  I was stunned to learn that international adoption was an option.  I honestly didn't know what to do with the information.  Was God changing our direction?  Was our child waiting for us somewhere overseas?

My husband and I talked and prayed and talked and prayed some more.  I talked to international adoption specialists and read up on different countries.  

But we never had a peace about moving in that direction.  There were obstacles in every direction.   Adopting from another country is no simple task. There are several factors to consider. We all see beautiful families everywhere who have made the journey, but it certainly isn't simple and definitely not for everyone.

On  August 15, 2015, my husband and I sat in his truck in a parking lot.  I was melting down in a puddle of frustration and despair.  We had recently experienced another disappointment in our adoption journey and emotions were running high.  I was certain that I could not bear another disappointment and rejection.  I felt like I was falling apart.  I wanted to quit.  But how could we  walk away from the possibility of another child?  How could we give up on the child that we felt God had for us?  

That morning in the truck, we came up with a "plan."  We decided to stay in the domestic adoption program for a few more months.  If we did not have a placement by the end of that time period, we were going to drop out and pursue international adoption.   Did we have a peace about our "plan"?  Not really.  Were we convinced that it was what God was leading us to do?  No.  

But in the end, our "plan" did not matter.

God is sovereign.

And He had a better plan.

That Saturday, August 15, 2015, our daughter was born.  

"We can make our plans, but the final outcome is in God's hands."

Proverbs 16:1

Am I going the right way, God?

I am WORN OUT.  Drained emotionally, Spiritually weary.  Physically exhausted.  

My hopes have soared over the possibility of another child in our home, only to come crashing down...hard.

Birth mothers are just not choosing us to parent their child.  For some reason, they are not connecting with our family.  

I don't get it.  I have driven myself crazy asking why.  

The emotional roller coaster is exhausting.   I don't know how to NOT get excited when a possibility presents itself.  I don't know how to move on with life without allowing thoughts of this baby to consume my thoughts, my dreams....without allowing myself to lose sleep over this child that I have never met.  I don't know how to say, "Oh well, maybe next time." and just move on with my day as if my heart is not breaking.  

I don't know how to not care...to be content enough to not want another child.  I don't know how to let go of this dream.  

...and I am not convinced that I am supposed to let go.

When these disappointments hit, I naturally question whether or not we are supposed to just drop out of the adoption process altogether.  We have heard "no" dozens of times.  Is God trying to tell us something?  Are we just refusing to hear?  Refusing to see His will?  The problem is, my husband and I both feel that there is another child out there for us.  I can't ignore that feeling, that desire...just like I couldn't and didn't ignore the desire to be a mom when we were trying for our first.  

We don't have a peace about quitting.

Am i being stubborn?  Am I refusing to surrender to God's plan for our life?

I really don't know.  I am not going to pretend to know.  In this moment, I just feel sad.  

God sees my tears.  He has promised to comfort me.

Today, I will allow Him to do just that.

I entered the adoption process with very little knowledge about adoption.  Growing up, my experience with adoption was very limited.  I had a few peers that were adopted, but I never talked to them about their adoption story or what it felt like to be adopted.  I never really thought about how adoptive parents tell their children their birth story until I was actively involved in the process.  We received adoption training with BETHANY CHRISTIAN SERVICES.  The tips that I am about to share came from our education through Bethany and my experience as an adoptive mom.

1. Tell it as a story:  Kids love stories…especially ones that feature them as the main character!  I often start out my son’s story with, “One morning while I was eating my cereal…”  

2. Start early:  Our social worker advised us to start telling our son his story when he was an infant.  I thought that was weird, at first.  She explained that it would get us into the habit of telling his birth story and also give us some practice.  Almost 5 years later, it is very natural for us to talk to him about the circumstances surrounding his birth! 

3.Create a Book:  Make a storybook about the story of your child’s adoption!  Include pictures of the birth family, adoption day, time in the hospital, the first time you met, and his homecoming.  Shutterfly even has an Adoption Story template!

4. Be honest:  Likely, there are some difficult truths about your child’s adoption story.  As a parent, your instinct is to protect them from anything hard or hurtful.  This is where trust and a deep faith in God come in.  God is big enough to take care of your child’s heart!  Pray for your child as he processes his adoption story through the different phases of his life.

5. Keep your eyes open for opportunities in your everyday life to tell story:  For example, if the city or country that your child was born in is being talked about in conversation or in a book or a movie, use that opportunity to talk about their birth story.  We have talked with our son about his story on walks, in the car, before bedtime, and while running errands.  Over time, the subject has organically worked its way into our every day life. 

6. Make yourself available:  Be prepared to answer questions as they arise.  That may mean that you may need to drop what you are doing, change gears, or shift your focus for a bit to have a conversation about adoption.  In my experience so far, these conversations have been short.  I have been caught off guard at times because the questions seem to come out of the blue! 

7. Clarify the question:  Make sure you understand what your child is asking.  If you aren’t sure, ask them!  As adults, we have a tendency to complicate things.  Keep it simple!  Young children can only comprehend so much.  Your conversations will evolve as they mature.

Dear First-Time Adoptive Mom,

Dear First-Time Adoptive Mother,

Congratulations!!!  You are a MOM!

All the years of hoping and dreaming have finally become a reality.  You are holding the baby of your dreams in your arms.  Your empty, aching arms are now full…and still aching, but for a much more pleasant reason :) 

You are met with smiles everywhere you go.  Who doesn’t love the sight of a tiny human snuggled in a stroller?

Even doing laundry is a little more fun now.  Isn’t it great to pull those tiny little clothes from the warm dryer, fold, and put them away in the cute nursery?

Amidst the joy and excitement, you may be feeling other things as well…feelings that you didn’t expect:

Exhaustion

Anxiety

Overwhelm

Sadness

In all the time you spent hoping for a baby, you may not have given much thought to the reality of life after a baby.  You didn’t think about the sleep deprivation, the backaches, and the feelings of inadequacy.  All you could think about was the cuteness of baby clothes, the joy of baby giggles, and the satisfaction that motherhood brings.

You may be thinking: “What is wrong with me?  I have wanted this all my life.  I have been desperately trying everything in my power to bring a child into our family.  Why am I feeling bad?  Shouldn’t I feel ecstatic all the time?”

You know what?  It’s ok.  I am here to tell you that YOU ARE NORMAL!  Of course you are exhausted!  You are now responsible for another human being.  Of course you are overwhelmed!  Your life has been turned upside down.  And quite possibly, you did not have the typical 9 months to prepare for this huge change.  Adoption is such an emotional experience!

And sadness.  You may feel sad for the birth mom who carried your child in her belly for 9 months.  You wonder how she is doing.  How must she feel after placing her baby in your arms? 

I grieved for the birth mom because I could not imagine how difficult it must have been for her to choose adoption.  I felt guilty (false guilt) sometimes because I was so happy.  I felt like I was depriving her of the joy that this child was bringing me. 

It will take time to process everything.  Give yourself time.  Give yourself permission to feel the vast array of emotions that are flooding your heart.  You will not always feel tired and overwhelmed.  Pray for the birth mom when she comes to your mind.  You have a unique opportunity to be a part of what God wants to do in this woman’s life.  Pray daily for the strength to get through the sleep deprivation and backaches.  God will give you everything that you need. 

He is faithful!

Alyssa

There are days when I can literally feel my soul fighting with God.

I want another child now.

It feels like the right time.

I can name a dozen reasons why now would be a good time.

I know in my head that God has a plan.  I know that His ways are higher.  I know that He calls me to surrender my life to Him.

But I cannot… or will not… let go.

And when I cannot let go, I am miserable.  I feel panicky because there is nothing I can do to change the situation.  I am anxious.  I am depressed. 

I try to make our family grow.

I look at other options.

But right now, we believe that we are right where God wants us.

And sometimes I don’t like it.

Little by little, Jesus works on my heart.  He comforts me.  He makes me thankful.  He helps me loosen the grip on my life.  He reminds me that I “…see through a glass darkly…”  (I Cor. 13:12)  I cannot see the big picture.  I never will. 

When I start to let go…when I stop fighting…when I bring myself back under God’s authority…I can breathe again.  I regain focus.  Peace that passes all understanding returns.

We all have something on our life that we would like to change.  I dare say that no one on this earth is completely content with themselves, their relationships, or their circumstances.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and think that the hand we are dealt is so hard and so unique. 

But the truth is, even Jesus had to let go of His desires and surrender to His Father’s will.  Right before He went to the cross, we begged His heavenly Father to get Him out of this. 

“My Father!  If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.”

Luke 22:42

May I desire the will of my Father above all else.

Waiting to get the phone call that a birthparent has chosen you or that your baby is waiting for you in the hospital can be a journey laced with times of discouragement.  The moment that you are “this close” to becoming a parent (or parent again) only to discover that this is not your baby.  The holidays and milestones that pass when you find yourself thinking: “I thought my family would look different by now.”  The sadness comes in waves. 

The good news for God’s children is that He is with us every step of the way!!!  He has a plan for our life that is greater than anything we could have imagined.

God’s timing is not the same as our timing

 People have said this to me so many times over the past 11 years as we have journeyed in and out of our periods of waiting.  Quite frankly, it used to make me cringe.  I used to think, “What does that even mean?  Is it one of those Christian clichés that people use all the time without really pondering its meaning?  And how is it supposed to make me feel any better?”

As I read the Bible, I began to notice that God talks about His timing a lot.  It is not simply a cliché!

About a year ago, I was reading through the book of John and was pleasantly surprised at how many times “timing” is referenced during Jesus’ ministry on earth.  In John 7, Jesus’ brothers wanted Him to travel to Judea so that His disciples could see the works He was doing.  Jesus’ response:  “My time has not yet come.”  Later in the same chapter, the authorities sought to arrest Him but no one was able to touch Him. 

Even in the life of Jesus the Son of God, things happened in GOD’s timing.  Praise Him!

For the first time, I found comfort in knowing that our family would grow when God caused it to grow.