As a teenager, I spent a lot of time day-dreaming.   I imagined myself with the love of my life, settled, teaching piano, and living in the same place that I had lived most of my life.  I expected my life to be fairly predictable.

It has been everything but predictable...and hardly settled.

So much of my adult life has been spent in the in between:

In between schools

In between jobs

In between cities

In between states

In between singlehood and marriage

In between houses

In between churches…

...you get the picture.

I am a planner by nature and am NOT a fan of the in between.  I like to get organized.  For example, it is only Wednesday, and I am already itching to make plans for the weekend.  I want to do things today in order to make sure that the things I want to do or accomplish over the weekend actually happen the way I want them to.  But there are details about the future that I do not know; so I cannot make plans. 

I get so restless in the in between.  Anxious.  Frustrated.  Irritated. I seek any way in which I can move myself OUT of the in between.  Then I just get more frustrated because there is nothing I can do to change my circumstances.

So what is the alternative?

I have been thinking about Israel this week.  God had taken them out of their dark life in Egypt.  They were finally free from bondage.  And on top of their freedom, God had promised them a gorgeous place to live in.  But before they reached their paradise on earth, God put them in a place that was far from desirable.  Hot.  Dry.  Desolate.  Definitely not an in between that is pleasant to exist in.

But in this place of uncertainty and discomfort, the Israelites got to see and experience some really cool stuff!

A pillar of cloud that showed them the way

A pillar of fire to light their nights

Food that fell from the sky

Water rushing out of a rock

They got to experience God’s leadership, guidance, and provision.

As I live in this in between, I am keeping my eyes wide open.  I don’t want to miss how God may be revealing Himself to me.

There are days when I can literally feel my soul fighting with God.

I want another child now.

It feels like the right time.

I can name a dozen reasons why now would be a good time.

I know in my head that God has a plan.  I know that His ways are higher.  I know that He calls me to surrender my life to Him.

But I cannot… or will not… let go.

And when I cannot let go, I am miserable.  I feel panicky because there is nothing I can do to change the situation.  I am anxious.  I am depressed. 

I try to make our family grow.

I look at other options.

But right now, we believe that we are right where God wants us.

And sometimes I don’t like it.

Little by little, Jesus works on my heart.  He comforts me.  He makes me thankful.  He helps me loosen the grip on my life.  He reminds me that I “…see through a glass darkly…”  (I Cor. 13:12)  I cannot see the big picture.  I never will. 

When I start to let go…when I stop fighting…when I bring myself back under God’s authority…I can breathe again.  I regain focus.  Peace that passes all understanding returns.

We all have something on our life that we would like to change.  I dare say that no one on this earth is completely content with themselves, their relationships, or their circumstances.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and think that the hand we are dealt is so hard and so unique. 

But the truth is, even Jesus had to let go of His desires and surrender to His Father’s will.  Right before He went to the cross, we begged His heavenly Father to get Him out of this. 

“My Father!  If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.”

Luke 22:42

May I desire the will of my Father above all else.

Waiting to get the phone call that a birthparent has chosen you or that your baby is waiting for you in the hospital can be a journey laced with times of discouragement.  The moment that you are “this close” to becoming a parent (or parent again) only to discover that this is not your baby.  The holidays and milestones that pass when you find yourself thinking: “I thought my family would look different by now.”  The sadness comes in waves. 

The good news for God’s children is that He is with us every step of the way!!!  He has a plan for our life that is greater than anything we could have imagined.

God’s timing is not the same as our timing

 People have said this to me so many times over the past 11 years as we have journeyed in and out of our periods of waiting.  Quite frankly, it used to make me cringe.  I used to think, “What does that even mean?  Is it one of those Christian clichés that people use all the time without really pondering its meaning?  And how is it supposed to make me feel any better?”

As I read the Bible, I began to notice that God talks about His timing a lot.  It is not simply a cliché!

About a year ago, I was reading through the book of John and was pleasantly surprised at how many times “timing” is referenced during Jesus’ ministry on earth.  In John 7, Jesus’ brothers wanted Him to travel to Judea so that His disciples could see the works He was doing.  Jesus’ response:  “My time has not yet come.”  Later in the same chapter, the authorities sought to arrest Him but no one was able to touch Him. 

Even in the life of Jesus the Son of God, things happened in GOD’s timing.  Praise Him!

For the first time, I found comfort in knowing that our family would grow when God caused it to grow. 

I used to think of waiting of a state of being in which nothing takes place.  A time that is stagnant.  A time that is wasted.

I was wrong.

The years that have passed while we have waited for our second child have been a tremendous time of growth and change. 

The word perseverance has taken on a new, more personal meaning.  

The domestic adoption process is very unpredictable.  You can wait a day or years for a placement.  Months can go by without hearing anything from the agency.  You can find yourself in situations where you are required to make tough decisions for you and your family.  Is this child a good fit for our family?  Are we equipped to parent this child?  Even if the answer is “yes”, there is no guarantee that the birth parents will choose you. 

How does one prepare for a new addition, yet remain content in the present simultaneously?

I do not have the answer.  I do not know of any magic formula.  I have posed this question to many respected individuals and have not gotten answers. 

I do believe that it takes tremendous strength and perseverance to exist in this state.  And I have found those things in my relationship with God.

About a year and a half into waiting for child #2, I became so weary.  The emotional roller coaster of expectations, hopes, and disappointment was sucking the energy out of me.  I felt physically and emotionally weak and was filled with anxiety.  Was this the journey I was supposed to be on?  Was I on the right path?  As I meditated on His Word, the Lord gently whispered,

“You can do this.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Keep going.  I am here.  I am right beside you every step of the way.  You can do this.  I led you here and I have not left you to do this alone.”

When I am weak, then I am strong

God sustained and continues to sustain me as I wait for His will to unfold in my life.  When I meditate on His Word, I go from feeling like I want to give up on the adoption process to feeling like I am able to continue…from feeling like I cannot handle another disappointment to feeling confident that God will give me everything I need when I need it. 

  "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  James 1:4