Before and After

Hospital week has proven to be a piece of cake compared to the 2 weeks that follow.  Sound crazy?  Let me explain:

In the hospital, I have one job: to take care of myself.  My focus is entirely on making sure that I am resting, eating, taking my meds, and staying entertained.  When I start to feel nauseous, I push a button and the nurse comes running to the rescue with meds to help.  I was so worried about throwing up a lot.  Once I learned to take the meds as SOON as I felt a little nausea, the vomiting stopped being an issue.   I have even learned to be a bit productive in the hospital.  I have read some great fiction and non-fiction books and have had more opportunity to blog.  

My "project" this week was meal planning.  I have been so OBSESSED with food lately!!  I think about it constantly and feel like my life revolves around what I am going to eat for my next meal or snack.  Over the past 4 months, I haven't always been able to eat what I want because of stomach or mouth issues.  When my mouth is on fire, eating is a chore.  It actually takes work to get food down.  I find myself jealous of other people who can chew, swallow, and enjoy their food without having to think about the least painful "method" to get the food down.  

Before cancer, I had been wanting to get more vegetables into our diets but had really taken any steps in that direction.  I spent some time on Pinterest and saved some great store fry recipes with chicken and veggies and some new ways to prepare tasty veggies.  I also bought an Insta-pot and can't wait to put it to use!

The two weeks after chemo have proven to be more of a challenge than I could have imagined.  While I am so happy to be home with my family, I experience this "tug of war."  I want to be the wife and mom I was before cancer but I am physically unable yet. I have to rest a lot. It has been incredibly difficult to adjust the expectations that I place on myself.  One day, I was crying and told been that I hated just sitting around and doing nothing.  I think my exact words were that I felt like an "amoeba."  My husband's response: "You aren't sitting around doing nothing.  You are in a battle-a fight!"  Those words were so encouraging because they released from some of the guilt I was feeing.  Great guy right?!

I also feel much worse AFTER the treatment than during treatment.  I still am able to control the nausea with meds at home, but the mouth sores have been a different story.  The treatments for the mouth don't work nearly as well as the anti-nausea meds, and the pain is tough to endure.  As I spend these last few hours in the hospital, it is tough to not get anxious about what is to come.  My mouth is starting to burn and I know that it will get much worse before it gets better.  

In the moments when I feel like I can't stand it one more second, I find myself just saying "Jesus" over and over.  Just saying His name when I can find no other words is a way of me drawing on His strength to keep going.  I have also sensed the Holy Spirit whispering the simple words "Look Up."  When you are in pain or feeling uncomfortable, it is so easy and natural to think only about how cruddy you feel and how awful things are. For me, simply remembering that there is a God who loves me, Who is fighting for me, and Who is holding me up has given me strength to get up out of bed and keep on moving forward.  

I remember one day standing in front of the mirror feeling drained.  The image of Jesus standing and walking right beside me "popped" into my head.  I remember thinking, "Ok Jesus its you and me!"  What a God we serve!  So big and powerful and majestic and yet so PERSONAL.  I love how He meets us in our most desperate moments even when we don't ask.  

I write all of this as somewhat of a "pep talk" to myself.  As I face the next couple weeks, God is going to be with me every step up of the way.  May I never forget!!

A Shout Out to my People: More on God's provision for our family

I have been wanting to write this post for a long time.  I have put it off because I am afraid that I am going to leave someone out.   However, I believe that God wants me to share the amazing ways that He has provided for our family.  I read this verse recently, and it reminded me of the importance of sharing God's work in our lives:

"Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story."  Psalm 107

The people that God has surrounded us with have held us up every step of the way.  We have been fed, prayed for, lavished with gifts, and flooded with cards and notes.  Our kids have been loved and cared for.  People have spent hours with me in this dreary hospital room. Our home has been organized and cleaned by friends and family from near and far.  I even had a friend travel from KY to be with me during my surgeries!!!

Our families have traveled hundreds of miles to come run our household when I have been unable.  They have taken time off from work and their daily routines to come take care of me and my family.  They have sacrificed energy and money to travel.  They have put off home projects of their own so they could make sure that our house was in order and that my kids needs were being met. They have housed my kids for a week while I was in the hospital. The beautiful thing is that I didn't even have to ask.  They just jumped right in.  They have taught me a lot about what it means to "do for family."  It has been a humbling experience for sure, but one that I will forever be grateful.  

My diagnosis came 3 months after moving to a new city which had many people concerned.  People were worried that we wouldn't have people to help us out, but God knew exactly what He was doing.  Ben grew up in East Tennessee and we both went to college in the area. We both have family members around who have stepped in to help.  

When Ben and I were in college and later when we got married, we became very close with a group of friends that we have stayed in touch with over the years.  We have known some of these friends for over 20 years!  Yikes that makes us sound old!  I am confident that this group of special people will be our friends for life.  They have traveled 45-90 minutes to come spend the day with my kids, including homeschooling Chase.  They all have kids and busy lives of their own, but they have made themselves available to meet our needs on a practical level.  When we were going through the many years of infertility and waiting for our family to grow, I would get so frustrated because all my friends were having babies and we were not.  I so wanted our kids to grow up together and be the same age.  During this season of our life, however, it has been a BLESSING that my friends' children are older than mine!  My friends' kids have been able to help out with my littles, making it a little easier on the mommas who have added my 2 extra into the mix.  

In the beginning of this process, one of my sister in laws told me that the new friendships that I would be forming during this time would be formed in a different way than I was used to. She was right.  When I meet new people, I typically like to present myself as a mostly "put together" person.  Instead, here I am falling apart and making new friends in the process.  It is by God's grace that I have been able to meet people from Chase's school and our church who have been there to pray over me, encourage me, take Chase to school and back, and take my kids on play dates so they don't get cabin fever.  

And then there is our Village Church family in SC.  They have sent multiple care packages filled with books, goodies, precious handmade cards from the kiddos, music, clothing accessories to make me feel pretty, and tons of messages over social media.  We were a part of Village Church for 10 years and they will always be our SC family.  

The support has been overwhelming.  It has been amazing to see the body of Christ come together in such beautiful ways.  I will never be able to say thank you enough, but I know I will be more sensitive to the needs of others who are experiencing hard times. I know that when I see meal train requests come through that I will look at them a different.  Taking a meal used to seem so insignificant, but let me tell you, it is NOT!   It has taken such a huge burden off to not have plan and shop and prepare meals every day of the week.  

I cannot finish up this post without talking about the power of prayer.  I have often felt like my prayers are not good enough.   I always feel that when people are hurting that i need to DO something rather than "just" praying.  Let me tell you,  praying for me means EVERYTHING.  You, my dear prayer warriors, are how I am getting through this grueling process.  Most of the time, I am too weak or preoccupied to pray for myself and my family.  I find such comfort in knowing that i have an army of prayers warriors interceding for us everyday.  Thank you for bringing us before God's heavenly throne.

Love to all,

Alyssa

Stories from the hospital

When I arrived at my "home away from home" yesterday, there were signs posted which read: Visitor restriction- No Children.  Aaaahhhh!  Not cool!  Because the floor I am on has mostly chemo patients, they take extra precautions during flu season.  One of the nurses came down with the flu last week and up went the signs.  

Well, there is no way that I was going to go 5 days without seeing my babies.  So we met downstairs in the cafeteria with cousin Julie!  It is amazing what visitors do for my body and soul. I was feeling yuck right before they got here.  I prayed that I wouldn't get sick while I was with them, and I am thankful that I didn't!

After our visit, I got back on the elevator to return to the "penthouse," as i heard it referred to yesterday.  A man and a woman (unrelated) were on the elevator with me.  The guy looked at me and said, "you keep hanging in there."  I said, "I will try."  

And then I burst into tears.  Woo!  Doesn't take much these days!  He then said, "I will pray for you right now.  What is your name?" 

"Aaaalllyyssa"  More tears.

He got off the elevator.

The lady looked at me and said, "No more crying.  I have cried enough!"

I asked her where she was headed.

"Same as you."

She was going to see her 25 year old daughter who is receiving chemo right across the hall from me.  Cancer is just cruel.  It breaks the hearts of so many moms, daughters, fathers, sons, husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, and friends.

The lady invited me to come meet her daughter.  Her poor daughter was asleep, but she woke her up and insisted that I come in.  Awkward?  Yes.  But I could tell that it meant a lot to her.  So we chatted for a few and I left.  It was so nice to meet someone who understands. It encouraged my heart.   It is pretty isolating up here.  Most other patients are elderly and pretty sick.  Not that I feel great when I am here; but I do crave human contact, ya' know?  I get chatty with the nurses and probably see them from doing their job sometimes! Ha!

My encounters with the man and the woman were such great reminders that God is here and taking care of me.  I am so thankful for these moments where He shows Himself.  

Slowing Down

Doctors and other cancer survivors have told me that cancer changes you:

Causes you to reprioritize.

Causes you to appreciate life more.

It is my last day of chemo for round 3 and I can't WAIT to go home later tonight. The last day always feels so long.

I have a lot of time to think (for better or for worse) and so I sit here and wonder how cancer is changing me and will change me.  Although this will mark the halfway point of treatment (wohoo!!!), I still feel like I am at the beginning.  I think I have exited the stage of shock I was in and and am able to start processing.

One thing I have noticed is that I have slowed down.  This probably sounds like a "duh" statement.   Of course it has!  My body has been beaten up by surgeries and chemo!  Let me attempt to explain:

In being forced to slow down, my life has been boiled down to the important things.  Before cancer, I moved fast all the time.  My brain moved fast and my body moved fast.  I lived with this constant pressure to achieve, accomplish, and produce.  I have always put a lot of pressure on myself and measured my worth by how much I was getting checked off my "to do" list.  I was constantly looking at what others were doing to see if I was measuring up.  I rarely felt like I was doing or being enough.  

The realization of how much less I would be able to do hit me HARD early on in this process.  I spent weeks mourning the loss of "my life:  By "life," I mean the ability to cook and clean for my family.  To hold my baby as long as needed or wanted.  To shop. To drive.  To do lots of fun things with my kids.  To teach piano.  To workout.  To simply feel good.

I was devastated. 

Since those beginning days, I have found a new rhythm and routine.  With A TON of help from friends and family, life has moved on.  I may have a long list of "can't dos," but I have begun to notice my "can dos" as well.  I am still able to show love to my husband and my kids. And that is enough.  The simple things in life that I used to rush through because I deemed them "unimportant" or "not enough" are the ones that I take the most pleasure in now:

Reading to my kids.

Sitting with my husband

Hugging my family

Sitting still long enough to just look at them and to notice the details of how they look, talk, and laugh.  

Putting my kids to bed.  

Just. Being. Together.

For these things and so much more, I am grateful.  

"We make our plans, BUT GOD..."

We had every reason to give up.  The average wait time for a domestic adoption was 1 year.  It had been almost 3 years.  I watched all the other prospective adoptive couples on the agency website disappear as they brought their children home.   In my rough estimation, we were passed over by about 75 birth families. We waited only 3 weeks to be chosen by our first child's birth mother.  We had no reason to think that it wouldn't happen again.  Our adoption workers could offer no explanation .  

In November 2011 when our firstborn was only 15 months old, I was worshipping with our church family.  I distinctly remember God impressing upon my heart, "Do not be afraid to start the adoption process again."  It seemed early.  Our son was so young, but we decided to go for it.  

As months turned into years, I began to question God's leading on that Sunday.  Why would He lead us to adoption again if the process was only going to result in heartache and tears?  What was God doing here?

In 2014, I began to look into international adoption.  Up until that spring, I didn't even know that it was an option for us.  Back in 2006 when we first started looking at adoption, we were told that we were ineligible for international adoption due to medical concerns.  I was stunned to learn that international adoption was an option.  I honestly didn't know what to do with the information.  Was God changing our direction?  Was our child waiting for us somewhere overseas?

My husband and I talked and prayed and talked and prayed some more.  I talked to international adoption specialists and read up on different countries.  

But we never had a peace about moving in that direction.  There were obstacles in every direction.   Adopting from another country is no simple task. There are several factors to consider. We all see beautiful families everywhere who have made the journey, but it certainly isn't simple and definitely not for everyone.

On  August 15, 2015, my husband and I sat in his truck in a parking lot.  I was melting down in a puddle of frustration and despair.  We had recently experienced another disappointment in our adoption journey and emotions were running high.  I was certain that I could not bear another disappointment and rejection.  I felt like I was falling apart.  I wanted to quit.  But how could we  walk away from the possibility of another child?  How could we give up on the child that we felt God had for us?  

That morning in the truck, we came up with a "plan."  We decided to stay in the domestic adoption program for a few more months.  If we did not have a placement by the end of that time period, we were going to drop out and pursue international adoption.   Did we have a peace about our "plan"?  Not really.  Were we convinced that it was what God was leading us to do?  No.  

But in the end, our "plan" did not matter.

God is sovereign.

And He had a better plan.

That Saturday, August 15, 2015, our daughter was born.  

"We can make our plans, but the final outcome is in God's hands."

Proverbs 16:1

Recently, I wrote a post about arrows that distract us on our journey to parenthood.

There is no easy solution or answer to the pain, frustration, and confusion that comes along with infertility.  Oh how I wish that there were!  Over the past 12 years, I have discovered some things that helped me persevere through it all.  None of these ideas are perfect or foolproof, but they did help me. 

Focus: It is so easy to get distracted…so easy to focus on what you do not have.  I want to encourage you to focus on what you DO have:

God

Relationships

Career

Church

Neighbors

Don’t buy into the lie (like I did) that you don’t have a purpose unless you are a mom! 

Visualize blinders on your face...blinders that block the distractions and allow you to focus on what God has placed in front of you. 

Live with intention.  Go after the relationships and ministries in your life with everything you’ve got! 

Journaling Scripture:  I am super analytical.  When I found myself not pregnant month after month, my mind would kick into high gear.  What was wrong with me?  Why wasn’t the medicine working?  Would I ever be a mom?  Around and around the thoughts would go.  The BEST thing I found to steady my mind and my heart was to write a verse from the Psalms out in my journal and personalize it.  Looking back, I wish I had done this more consistently.  The Word of God truly is food for the soul!

“How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!”
Psalm 119:103

Group Exercise: I have never been athletic.  In high school and college, I hated the aches and sweat that came along with exercise.  In the beginning of our journey to parenthood, we joined a gym.  I started taking group exercise classes and was HOOKED!  The music and energy I got from the instructor motivated me.  I found myself challenging myself and pushing myself to do things I never thought I could do.  In a weight class, I remember thinking, “Wow, if I can make it through this class, I can handle the challenge of infertility!”  Pushing myself physically made me stronger mentally.

“Bounce” your eyes: When you are walking through the mall and pass by the Motherhood Maternity store, quickly look at something else.  Don’t allow your eyes to linger on those cute pregnancy clothes.  Don’t give your mind a chance to start envisioning how you would look in that outfit in the window. 

Filter Facebook:  Manage your social media wisely!  If a friend of yours is pregnant and posts often to social media, consider “unfollowing” them for a time.  This way, you won’t be bombarded by baby stuff every time you get on social media, but you can choose to check out their page when you feel like it.  Some days are better than others.  Some days you can handle the baby pics and some days you cannot.  This is simply a way of guarding your heart.   

Just Say No to baby showers:  This is so tricky.  On the one hand, you want to be excited for your friend and celebrate with them.  But on the other hand, being at a party watching your dream come true for someone else while all the while wondering why it wasn’t happening for you hardly seems like a wise idea.  So, I am here to say that it is ok to NOT attend a baby shower.  And you need to give yourself permission to decline an invitation.  Infertility is an emotional roller coaster with potentially deep lows.  If you are in the midst of a low, why pour more salt into the wound?  Plan a date day/night with your hubby instead!  Your friend will certainly understand.

As a teenager, I spent a lot of time day-dreaming.   I imagined myself with the love of my life, settled, teaching piano, and living in the same place that I had lived most of my life.  I expected my life to be fairly predictable.

It has been everything but predictable...and hardly settled.

So much of my adult life has been spent in the in between:

In between schools

In between jobs

In between cities

In between states

In between singlehood and marriage

In between houses

In between churches…

...you get the picture.

I am a planner by nature and am NOT a fan of the in between.  I like to get organized.  For example, it is only Wednesday, and I am already itching to make plans for the weekend.  I want to do things today in order to make sure that the things I want to do or accomplish over the weekend actually happen the way I want them to.  But there are details about the future that I do not know; so I cannot make plans. 

I get so restless in the in between.  Anxious.  Frustrated.  Irritated. I seek any way in which I can move myself OUT of the in between.  Then I just get more frustrated because there is nothing I can do to change my circumstances.

So what is the alternative?

I have been thinking about Israel this week.  God had taken them out of their dark life in Egypt.  They were finally free from bondage.  And on top of their freedom, God had promised them a gorgeous place to live in.  But before they reached their paradise on earth, God put them in a place that was far from desirable.  Hot.  Dry.  Desolate.  Definitely not an in between that is pleasant to exist in.

But in this place of uncertainty and discomfort, the Israelites got to see and experience some really cool stuff!

A pillar of cloud that showed them the way

A pillar of fire to light their nights

Food that fell from the sky

Water rushing out of a rock

They got to experience God’s leadership, guidance, and provision.

As I live in this in between, I am keeping my eyes wide open.  I don’t want to miss how God may be revealing Himself to me.

Dear First-Time Adoptive Mom,

Dear First-Time Adoptive Mother,

Congratulations!!!  You are a MOM!

All the years of hoping and dreaming have finally become a reality.  You are holding the baby of your dreams in your arms.  Your empty, aching arms are now full…and still aching, but for a much more pleasant reason :) 

You are met with smiles everywhere you go.  Who doesn’t love the sight of a tiny human snuggled in a stroller?

Even doing laundry is a little more fun now.  Isn’t it great to pull those tiny little clothes from the warm dryer, fold, and put them away in the cute nursery?

Amidst the joy and excitement, you may be feeling other things as well…feelings that you didn’t expect:

Exhaustion

Anxiety

Overwhelm

Sadness

In all the time you spent hoping for a baby, you may not have given much thought to the reality of life after a baby.  You didn’t think about the sleep deprivation, the backaches, and the feelings of inadequacy.  All you could think about was the cuteness of baby clothes, the joy of baby giggles, and the satisfaction that motherhood brings.

You may be thinking: “What is wrong with me?  I have wanted this all my life.  I have been desperately trying everything in my power to bring a child into our family.  Why am I feeling bad?  Shouldn’t I feel ecstatic all the time?”

You know what?  It’s ok.  I am here to tell you that YOU ARE NORMAL!  Of course you are exhausted!  You are now responsible for another human being.  Of course you are overwhelmed!  Your life has been turned upside down.  And quite possibly, you did not have the typical 9 months to prepare for this huge change.  Adoption is such an emotional experience!

And sadness.  You may feel sad for the birth mom who carried your child in her belly for 9 months.  You wonder how she is doing.  How must she feel after placing her baby in your arms? 

I grieved for the birth mom because I could not imagine how difficult it must have been for her to choose adoption.  I felt guilty (false guilt) sometimes because I was so happy.  I felt like I was depriving her of the joy that this child was bringing me. 

It will take time to process everything.  Give yourself time.  Give yourself permission to feel the vast array of emotions that are flooding your heart.  You will not always feel tired and overwhelmed.  Pray for the birth mom when she comes to your mind.  You have a unique opportunity to be a part of what God wants to do in this woman’s life.  Pray daily for the strength to get through the sleep deprivation and backaches.  God will give you everything that you need. 

He is faithful!

Alyssa

1. Ask, "What can I do for you?"  Infertility is an emotional roller coaster.  One moment, you can feel happy and light-hearted and the next down in the depths of despair.  It is filled with moments of sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, anxiety, hope, and peace.  Many times, I didn’t even understand what I was feeling!  Instead of trying to guess what your friend may need, ask them!  Ask how you can pray for them.  Asking will give your friend an opportunity to identify her needs and make them known.  It is much more comfortable to tell someone what you need after they have already asked! 

2. Wish her a Happy Mother’s Day  Wait...what?!  Yes, you read that correctly. This one is definitely counter-intuitive.  I never would have come up with it on my own.  I will never forget when my friend wrote to me, “Happy Mother’s Day, to a woman with a mother’s heart.”  My heart swelled.  I felt loved, recognized, and included.  Mother’s Day is one of the most difficult days of the year for those longing for a child.  No matter how brave I tried to be, I would inevitably end up crying in the bathroom at church.  My friend made that particular Mother’s Day just a bit easier to bear.

3. Remind her that God is on her side:  One of my relatives whom I hadn’t seen in awhile encouraged me with this thought.  The truth of this statement hit me hard.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was feeling like God was against me!  With every month that passed, every failed treatment and adoption attempt, I was feeling like God was not working for my good.  It was a powerful reminder for me to hear that God was with me.

“The Lord is for me.  I will not be afraid.”

Psalm 118:6

4.  Offer to take her out:  Shopping, movies, pedicure, ice cream, coffee, a walk..anything fun to help her relax and take her mind off of things!

5. Write a note: A text, e-mail, or card.  A simple “I love you and am thinking about you” goes a long way.  I highly recommend a comforting verse from the Psalms.  God promises that His Word will never return void.

“so My word that comes from My mouth will not return to Me empty, but it will accomplish what I please and will prosper in what I send it to do." 

Isaiah 55:11